You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
