he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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