Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
