I'm eating all of the evidence.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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