Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
