cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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