Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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