My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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