meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
