No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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