I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She announced her abortion via fbk
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
