Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The power of my boobs compel you
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
