Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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