Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Randomize
