Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
