Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
