I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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