I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
