Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
