So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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