I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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