your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
