you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My vagina just clenched in fear
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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