I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
