Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we're making bets on your personal life
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
40s are totally the cure
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
