I think i peed on brittanys purse
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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