sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
