I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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