meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
