I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have fence marks all over my body
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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