we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
