I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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