No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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