When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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