Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
