Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
