I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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