I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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