I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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