i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
