I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
