Fine. I'll sleep in my office
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
