don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
