When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
