I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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