Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
