If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
