so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
