Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
