My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
