I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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