who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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