Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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