If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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