I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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