I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
