just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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