A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize