remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize