I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
