Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
