this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
